remembrance

For thirteen years,I have hated this time of the year. This second to last week in November. It was this week,thirteen years ago that my brother took his own life.

 I don't know why he did it. I was asleep. Forty miles away. I was on a night shift sound asleep. I woke up and there were notes in the letterbox saying to ring home urgently. I was half asleep but I woke up fairly quick when I started to realise something was badly wrong. I rang home with borderline fear,knowing the news on the other end of the line was not going to be good. And it wasnt. It was my uncles wife on the other end who said the words that I had been dreading. I knew something had happened,and the fact that I did not know who to made it even worse. Then she said it and I froze. The first thing I said was "What" then "Why". The realisation dawned and I went into hysterics when my other brother called down to get me out of the house there. He was in shock as much as I was.

 We went home and the relatives were all there. Then the neighbours. Then the others that feel they just have to come in out of nowhere. In reality,I didn't want to talk to anyone. I wanted to be left well alone. All I could think of was I was 40 miles away,powerless to do anything,powerless to even talk. That,I still carry on myself.

The funeral came and I was asked to do a reading. I did and I haven't done one since. Halfway through I looked at the coffin in front of me and I froze again. I got through it and on going back to my seat I said that I would never read again. Then we went out to the graveyard but before we all went,I asked the hearse driver if I could go in the passenger seat. He was grand with it. We stopped at our house for a minute. This time I didn't freeze. I was in tears as I recounted us playing basketball and I fell on my knee. Hard. He would look down on me as I was ready to bawl and go "Do you think Michael Jordan would cry if he fell? Get up!!" He was trying to toughen me up,and it worked. I gave the driver the nod,and we went. That was the longest car journey of my life.

 I only wished he'd talked. Suicide can tear families apart,but it brought us even closer as a family. And its such a taboo subject in this country. It was 13 years ago,and it is today. If something is on your mind,please please talk to someone about it.