Square Two

I actually had the vast majority of this written almost three weeks ago. The fact that i didn't have to edit it too much is good,because it'd show regret,which I don't have.

So ends my 45 week contract in where I worked. My first job in almost three and a half years of being in the wilderness. I knew going in that it was going to be 45 weeks maximum. There later was an option of applying for a two year contract but that meant three interviews,presentations,evaluations,whatnot. Even before I heard about this,I knew the job wasn't for me. I wanted to go the distance,and be able to leave on my own terms. Not get sacked,not get put on gardening leave,just to leave by my own options. Get it on my CV and add to my skillset. There were times where I didn't think I'd last. Especially when going from one line of work to another that you had zero experience in,some days were really,really daunting. I thought about giving up and saying "Enough". I know its a job,and they aren't exactly easy to come by,and hey,I've often said in the past "You're lucky to have it". And don't get me wrong,the lads in work were great. Really helpful no matter how trivial a question I would ask. And I probably asked some ridiculous stuff. And yeah,I could have left and walked. But that's the thing about me. I didn't want to go out like that a quitter. I wanted to leave on my own terms and say I went the full tenure. I can be extremely stubborn at the best of times. That's just me and I won't deny it. I didn't want to be known as the fella that left or quit or walked or whatever spin you want to put on it. I didn't want to be known as the fella that people would say "Oh he was working but he couldn't hack it". Fuck.That. Even if I did do that I could say back "At least I tried it,what have you ever done" but again,that's the stubbornness that wants to burst out. And I wont badmouth the company. At this moment in time they are one of the biggest companies in the world in what they do. They gave me a position and an opportunity and I'm grateful for that.

So now I'm on square two. I wont call it square one because at least now I was able to take something from where I was,and add it to my own list of credentials. I'm back applying to signing on as of tomorrow but I don't want that to last for as long as it did before. I refuse to let that happen. I have motivation now that I didnt have in such a long time. It's much different to the way things have been for me before as I now have someone by my side who I know wants to do all they can to help me. To me,that means everything. She would listen to my tribulations about the job and not be judgmental and always try to help,and I'm not afraid to admit that sometimes I do need help. I'm not perfect,far from it. I can hit a wall mentally and switch off from the world. She has helped me stay switched on.

I watched a documentary on a day off a few days before I finished up about a man in a completely different profession but in a similar contract situation. His was up and wasn't being renewed (it later was but that alone made the story more interesting). He had been counting down the days,like I was. Crossing the days off a calendar. Ok I wasn't exactly doing that but I had an idea when it was up. On being offered the chance to stay or finally go,he sought advice. He was asked what he wanted. He simply said "I want to make a difference". To that he was told "You can't make a difference from your couch". That struck a major chord with me. I don't honestly know if I can make a difference but I sure as fuck am not going to spend my days sitting on my couch thinking about it.

I start again. But with help. And a headstart. Time to make the best of it.