Pensive.

So,I deferred my course.

But it was almost the one-step-further of saying "No" to it completely. And I mean very close. So close that I actually said those words to the admissions office inside there this morning. I,at first went in and said that I am turning the offer down. I felt that now wasnt the right time for me to try full-time education again. And that decision was not one made easy by any means. It was a very,very tough call. So tough that I weighed up all the pros and cons of it all,and sadly,the cons outweighed the pros.

I know someone going back part time as a postgrad,and she had to drop out of Dublin last year as she was leaving town at 4am just to commute there. For a finish,it just wasnt worth it. She isnt grant eligible this time around,so her parents are paying for semester 1,and even with a part time job,she doesnt know if she will be able to pay semester 2. Even being funded and getting other assistance,I took everything into account,and I didnt even think of the whole "student life" element.Honestly. That side of it doesnt appeal to me,as mad as that sounds. If I get one night out every once in a while,I'm doing well,and thats a few pints in midweek (not that there is anything wrong with that). I dont do weekends. But ye already knew that anyways.

The last few nights,I havent slept well thinking about the whole thing. Last night I didnt sleep at all. At least I dont have the worry of my hair falling out. I spoke to two people last night,outlining my worries. Neither tried to talk me out of it. They respected where I was coming from with it all,and the decision I made. The place is there for 12 months,but truth be told,I'd rather be working full time rather than being a student. I got cold feet. Good thing there wasnt an altar in the vacinity. The aim of finding a job is my priority now. The part time courses I have been doing the last 3 years were fine,they kept my brain somebit active. And I am not going to let it idle. I am going to read up on whatever literary pleasure I can get my hands on.

Let me just say that this isnt a play for sympathy,far from it. I always said in these blogs,they would be honest. Gritty,maybe,but alwways honest.