Joe Dolan superfan (with strange behavioural habits),quite the rare specimen.
For those of you (and I'm sure there are a few) that arent familiar with Joe Dolan, this is he.
Now Joe Dolan is sadly no longer with us, so I'm not going to take shots at him. I'm sure he had a very successful career.Anyway. This fella that I used to work with was the biggest Joe Dolan fan you could ever have the pleasure/displeasure of knowing. And I mean he was ADDICTED. Every waking hour of every waking day,some form of a Joe Dolan reference came out of this fella's mouth. It was almost a surprise when this didnt happen. Thanks to this individual I know that Joe only ever wrote one song, "My Darling Michelle". I know this because he sang these lyrics (badly) at least once a week:
"Oh my darling Michelle,love me todayy..love me tomorrow...WOOO!" (he added the Woo bit himself. Poetic licence and all that).
So, then he decides to wooo the ladies by pulling out his keyring (that isnt a sexual euphemism, it was an actual keyring) although this was no ordinary keyring. This was the biggest keyring I have ever seen. Think the size of an iPhone. Seriously. On it was inscribed:
"There's no show like a Joe show...and if Joe doesnt show,them there is no show" (how they managed to fit all that on a keyring is anybodys guess). And of course, whenever he pulled it out, he would repeat that line verbatim, with the obligatory Wooo. Needless to say, those girls didnt hang around very long. You'd wonder why! So another day, he told us how he and the wife (sorry to burst the bubble ladies, he's spoken for) went to Lanzarote on holiday. Apparently, his hero is known as...wait for it...are you sitting down?.........Joeh Dolanne. No joke. I was shocked too.
He pulled me aside one day and said "Paul, if I ever won a horse, do you know what I'd call him?" I inevitably knew what form of an answer was coming so I humoured him and said "I dont know,what?" I didnt expect the following 10 second Mexican Standoff of silence until the air was broken with the answer "Our Man Joe". Boy, was I glad I waited for that one. I wont even try to explain the day two lads put a newspaper cutting of Joe and put it into yer mans sandwich. That might have been a bit much. Might.
Now you'd think you'd just be content with being a Joe lover but no, some degree of contrariness has to kick in sooner or later. So one day, one of the lads got a text from his missus and as he was reading it, Joe lover came up behind his shoulder and starts to read the text. Turning around to confront him, person #1 goes:
"Erm..this is from the wife,like...so....."
Now at this point you'd expect an "Oh sorry,didnt know"....or "What possessed me to put my chin on your shoulder and read whats on your phone in the first place" kinda form of apology? Not so. Joe lover dished out this as a rebuttal:
"Well,at least I know where I fuckin' stand, now".
So now you know. Let Joe fan read your wifes text messages or you will get a very strongly worded response (and very red cheeks).
Then there was the day he would go over to another department and ask the lads to print off the local obituaries and go to the wakes of every member of the deceased that day,regardless of whether he knew them or not. Can you picture the conversations there? "Oh I knew Mary, she was a valued member of the communi.....oh,cocktail sausages".
Of course, I had a natural run-in with him. One morning, I was dying sick from drink, and had a box of hard drives in my hand. Joe man was going through the fuckin Greatest Hits. Over. And over. As he sang the lyric "take me and break me", I could feel the two boxes of hard drives start to slip from my hands. As they fell to the ground, I drew the hardest kick I could (1) because I knew they were falling and (2) I wasnt feeling the Greatest Hits and left an imprint in the box. He never sang a lyric around me ever again. Thank God for steel toecaps, by the way!
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